Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
