took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
