Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
