Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
