Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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