my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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