3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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