I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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