I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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