sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something