my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
