He called his prostate his "boner button".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
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Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!