Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
