There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
soo... how was my night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
