I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
