i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
only you would photoshop your dick
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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