Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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