Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
