mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
