I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
