Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
