this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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