I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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