And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
