so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
