my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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