Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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