I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
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Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
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He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize