i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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