Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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