oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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