She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
His nipple licking is glorious
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