Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
