Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
