90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
