wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
