Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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