How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
