Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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