my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
