you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize