i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
