whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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