Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
