i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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