You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
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Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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