Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
