i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
