i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
