i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dignity is for republicans.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
