just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
