I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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