everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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