how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
