you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
