I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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