mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
