Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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